Decision Making During Divorce

The path to divorce goes through unknown territory at best. At worst, it’s a mine field of horror stories from the initiated meant to be cautionary tales. No wonder divorce is often approached with a fear that can cripple good decision making. Second guessing becomes second nature and crucial, timely decisions go unmade.

Let’s look at some questions about the divorce decision making process.

WHO does this decision affect, both in the short term and in the long term? You, your spouse, your children and extended family members all have an interest in the relationships that have been established. Decisions made today will determine the amount of loss and grief that must be dealt with in the future. Decisions about children and their needs will affect their health, education and independence.

Whose needs, other than my own, must be considered so that this decision leads to a workable solution and not a stalemate?

Who can provide me with objective and accurate information concerning the various aspects of this particular situation? Who will help me better understand those points I disagree with or find otherwise objectionable? We can’t just listen to those who are in agreement with us and expect to make the most beneficial divorce decisions.

WHAT do you see as the big picture? Realize that what you want to be, have, accomplish and cherish ten years from now is based on good divorce decision making in this present moment. Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish with this decision. What next step will this decision lead to? List your real needs in this situation, things you absolutely cannot do without. What concessions could possibly be made that still fit within the big picture as you see it? What options are total misfits? Examine your values, goals and dreams and continually hold options up against them as you make decisions.

WHEN should I postpone deciding? Sleep on it? Wait for another day? When your emotions suddenly flare up and you find yourself ready to scream, stomach in knots, indignant, fixated, frustrated or overwhelmed, just stop. There will be no good decisions made in this moment. Take a breath and some time to regroup. Plan to approach the decision at another time when you’re less stressed. We all have our own set of triggers to work around in order to ensure we are making decisions when we are at our best.

WHERE does this decision rank in importance to accomplishing the overall goal? Ask yourself where you will be after making this decision relative to where you are now. All divorce decisions should be made carefully, but if a decision does not create an obstacle to a future successful outcome, it could be an opportunity to find some middle ground. Sometimes it isn’t a matter of all or nothing at all.

HOW you will feel about this decision once it’s made is way more important than why you are making it. So we will skip over the WHY.

How will you know your decision was the right one? How will you feel about this divorce decision five years or ten years from now? If you have explored several options critically and objectively, listened to others and verified information, if you can see how this decision will move things forward and it remains in keeping with what you hold to be the best about yourself, then this will be a good decision.

Additional Materials of interest on Decision Making:

« How We Decide » by Jonah Lehrer, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009

FASTCOMPANY.com 5 ways to make tough decisions faster ( and not regret them later) by Elizabeth Grace Saunders, 07-12-18